Gecko on the Go: Things to do before you leave Malaysia

I began this list a long time ago with someone who was a friend, when I'd been ranting against the current abundance of 'things to do before you die' (when else?) books. I kept on adding to it and now that the time to leave draws near, I'm glad to say that I've done most of them, though maybe not often enough. The list is really just a mixture of favourite places, foods and things to do, along with places highly recommended by friends as well as some of the more amusing or frustrating things about life in Malaysia. Obviously this will all mean more to those of you who know Malaysia, but I thought I'd share it anyway.

Eat fried fish from the fish man in Brickfields

Ride a motorbike with your jacket on back to front

Drive to Megamall on a Saturday afternoon, find a parking place and try to buy something in Jusco

Visit Gunung Mulu national park

Ask the bank to explain why foreigners aren’t allowed to make internet transfers from their Malaysian accounts to another Malaysian account

In fact, ask anyone to explain a pointless rule they are enforcing

Smell the rain before it comes, smell the streets afterwards

Watch people contorting themselves in front of the Petronas towers in an attempt to fit the whole building into a photograph

Eat roti canai

Eat a huge Chinese meal with lots of Chinese friends who know the best things to order

Hike Chiling river and jump in to cool off

Visit KKB for small-town charm, old shophouses set on wide streets, great food, local walks, lakes and rivers, and cycle up to The Gap.

Climb Bukit Kutu and marvel at the madness of the Englishman who built a house at the top. Only the fireplace remains, along with a well where you can still draw fresh water.

Go to Cherating for a quaint no-longer-quite-happening beach experience – and have a drink at Muda’s café on the beach, while Muda himself folds and twists a palm leaf into a perfectly formed grasshopper.

Ride the monorail from end to end for a quickly changing view of KL

Learn and use as much Malay as you can

Go rock climbing at Batu Caves

Take a walk- or run - in Bukit Gasing

Visit the rubber research institute and watch rubber tappers at work

Try to explain to someone who is littering that this is not a good idea

Make your own batik painting, for example at the Craft Centre in KL or in many touristy places countrywide

Snorkel or dive Perhentian and eat beach barbecue for tea after soaking up the rays on the white sands.

Take a dip in a hot spring. At Selayang the springs are a community bath where families go for a good wash. Throw scoops of breathtakingly hot water over yourself and your loved ones. At Sungkai in Perak it’s a more relaxing affair where you can choose from a number of pools for a good wallow.

Learn to double park, or simply leave your car in the most inconvenient spot for other road users.

Mountain bike the trails round Batu Dam

Drink tea or Milo from a plastic bag

Get lost in Putrajaya, and ask yourself, “What’s it all for?”

Kayak Sungai Sungkai

Eat banana leaf curry with your fingers

Try to explain to a Malaysian that you won’t have a drink because you’re driving

Watch a storm, feel the lightning rip the air

Tag lah onto the end of sentences, but only tongue-in-cheek

Sit round a table at a restaurant, stall or bar with a group of friends, being sure that each of you spends the entire time having an sms conversation with somebody not present

Do the canopy walk at Taman Negara

Eat something unidentifiable

Dump your car in a busy Bangsar street at night and give the keys to any shady looking young man who approaches you

Visit an Orang Asli village, introduce yourself to the headman and spend some time getting to know people. Watch toddlers leaping fearlessly into rivers, women carrying home baskets of jungle vegetables, men loafing around – or if you’re lucky returning from hunting with a wild boar.

Try to explain to a Malaysian that your phone may sometimes be switched off, or that there may even be times when you choose not to answer it

Dive Sipadan

Have afternoon tea in the Smoke House in the Cameron Highlands, or at Carcosa in KL
Visit a tea plantation

Watch a movie in Gold Class – but take plenty of warm clothes. For a long film, a sleeping bag works well.

Drink teh tarik. Preferably late at night on the pavement of a still-busy street

Shop in a night market

Visit the KL tower for unbeatable views of the city and its surrounds

Watch faces gawp as you explain that yes, you are single, despite being a woman over thirty, and yes, you are travelling alone

Run the KL marathon

Eat durian fresh from the ground where it fell

Pop into Brunei for a surreal day in BSB, where everyone seems to be somewhere else, petrol is a fraction of the price of water, and people are indescribably friendly and polite. Wander the water villages and take in the mosque.

Have a massage in Brickfields from a blind masseur

Enjoy a beer and maybe a steak (bib provided) at the shabby Coliseum. Sadly they no longer do real bacon butties.

Cycle Sabah, wallow in cool rivers

Perfect at least one seriously dodgy traffic manoeuvre

Eat mangosteen

Make use of the KLIA express and the station check-in

Get lost in your car. No shortage of places to try this one

Enjoy a duty-free beer on the beach in Langkawi as the sun goes down over the sea

Go to Kuala Selangor to see the fireflies

Try to buy a bra with no padding or underwiring. For the brave, add to your request that it should be a sensible colour and contain at least some cotton

Eat nasi lemak

Attach as many electric blue lighting devices to your car as possible

Visit Kuching and Bako National Park

See the Thaipussam festival at Batu Caves

Get a twelve minute, twelve ringgit haircut in a well designed shop where they even hoover your head afterwards. Some cutters may only have had twelve minutes training, but at that price, who cares?

Eat wanton mee. And duck-leg soup. And roast duck. And mee mamak. And chicken rice and rendang and laksa and pumpkin curry. And roast pork with that crunchy salty fat layer all crispy round the side.

Go for a ride with at least four people on one motorbike, preferably including at least two unhelmeted toddlers

Baffle a supermarket checkout clerk by refusing any plastic bags

Catch a taxi in the rain

Go caving in Gua Tempurung, near Gopeng in Perak

Wander the narrow streets of Melaka. Take a rickshaw ride in the prettiest, floweriest rickshaw you can find.

Learn to make candid personal comments, eg: “You’re looking much fatter than last time I saw you”

Visit Penang

Fly a kite

Eat nasi kerabu in Kelantan

If you are a short-haired female, entertain yourself by explaining to the ladies’ toilet attendant that you are indeed a woman. This is best done in Malay while thrusting your breasts forward. However, this is not always enough…